Almost five years after this parenting story began, I can confidently say that there are very real downsides to literary acquisition – no longer being able to articulate activities or temporary treats like “PARK or ICE CREAM “, for example. There are also some benefits, however, as I recently learned when our oldest asked to examine a bottle I had just opened:
“Why is it written ‘King of Beers’? Is it because you’re the King of Beers, Daddy? “
“You got it. They put this just for me, because I’m the king of beers.”
“Does that mean mom is the queen of beers?” “
“That’s why she married me.”
I mention New Azure in my veins not out of snobbery, but to make it clear that I speak with royal authority when I declare that Budweiser Zero, the alternative to beer recently launched by Anheuser-Busch, should be banned. In addition to the absence of alcohol, the water-based substance is advertised as having no sugar and only 50 calories.
According to a CNN report, Bud Zero’s target audience is “health conscious drinkers who [sic] crave the taste of beer and don’t want hangovers “and” beer lovers looking to be responsible in social settings “.
“You don’t always want to come away with a hangover or a buzz,” adds Dwyane Wade, celebrity endorser of the new product. “I loved the idea of being part of the conversation without having to drink alcohol.”
That leaves me with several questions. The first is whether these people really exist. Is there a single living American who really relishes the chewy rice taste of our first macrobrew but just doesn’t agree with the “If you maybe 15, you might get drunk?” “? You might think that’s all the point.
Ditto the nonsense of “being part of the conversation”. Where do these conversations take place and with whom? In tailor-made yoga studios or corporate sensitivity training seminars? If you are so worried about your weight – sorry I mean your “health” – and so terrified of the distant prospect that you might have a hangover tomorrow after drinking just one beer, save some money and enjoy ‘a glass – or gallon – of water between you. I’m told that besides having zero calories and not bringing the prospect of poisoning, it’s free in many parts of the country. The fact that everyone’s athletes are pushing this nonsense should make us cry on the days Ken Stabler and Terry Bradshaw proudly show up with hangovers on Sunday afternoons.
Forget about impeachment or morons wanting to quash baseball again. Health and safety freaks who want to replace once pleasurable activities like “having a beer” with things their doctors say are completely safe are doing their best to erase the last vestiges of fun in our declining civilization. What happened to doing something precisely because it was not completely “safe”? Ten years from now, I expect that the most shocking acts a person can do in America will be enjoying a normal, unhindered marital relationship with your spouse and enjoying a six pack with your neighbor. The teetotal room monitors undermine the moral foundations of our country and allow terrorists to win.
As far as I know, the only hope here is the youth of our nation. If I had time, I would stand outside the party store down the street from our house and try to find out what illicit drink purchases are made on behalf of local teens. I guess very few of them, on warm summer evenings, coax or bribe their older siblings to buy them cans with the name of a beer that aren’t, in fact, some beer.
Budweiser alcohol-free makes as much sense as hot ice cream. I ban him by royal decree.